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Same subject heading, because it fits me too well. I said I was gonna get personal, right? Well, let's go.
And I just don't know where to start. I don't know where to start. I'm just gone. Something's wrong and I don't know what exactly, and I don't really want to take the time to figure it out. I've been gone from college for three weeks. I don't know what I've been doing, it's already three weeks, and I can't figure out where all that time got away from me. Yet school still feels like something from the distant past. I've barely been sleeping, I don't care about eating--I'm never hungry. I still haven't unpacked or even really cleaned my room much, just washed my clothes and left them piled in a chair. I haven't taken a single tiny step towards looking for a job; haven't even updated my resume. I rarely go anywhere. I don't brush my teeth hardly at all, oftentimes never change out of my nightgown, and sometimes I don't even change out of my day clothes for two or three days. I feel like nothing. I figure I'm avoiding something hiding in some dark, shabby corner of my mind, but I don't think I know what it is. That's what my mind, my self is right now when I picture it-- it's this old, dusty abandoned house that I'm stuck in at night feeling claustrophobic. I can read that symbolism: maybe I've retreated inside myself. And if I'm honest, this has been going on far longer--maybe for months. Maybe it's been progressing gradually ever since last September. I wonder if this is anything like what it felt like when I retreated into myself at ages 2-3? That then was kind of a post-traumatic thing, and I stopped talking and wandered around sucking my fingers for like a year. It's weird to think about that.
Or I wonder if what's going on right now is just Depression saying, "Hello again! It's been a while, did you miss me?" Well I really hope not, I do not want to relive Junior year of high school.
Never mind about the past, I'm really sick of talking about things that are already over.
I'm tired. More later.
**Note to self: discuss spider on ceiling thing**
And I just don't know where to start. I don't know where to start. I'm just gone. Something's wrong and I don't know what exactly, and I don't really want to take the time to figure it out. I've been gone from college for three weeks. I don't know what I've been doing, it's already three weeks, and I can't figure out where all that time got away from me. Yet school still feels like something from the distant past. I've barely been sleeping, I don't care about eating--I'm never hungry. I still haven't unpacked or even really cleaned my room much, just washed my clothes and left them piled in a chair. I haven't taken a single tiny step towards looking for a job; haven't even updated my resume. I rarely go anywhere. I don't brush my teeth hardly at all, oftentimes never change out of my nightgown, and sometimes I don't even change out of my day clothes for two or three days. I feel like nothing. I figure I'm avoiding something hiding in some dark, shabby corner of my mind, but I don't think I know what it is. That's what my mind, my self is right now when I picture it-- it's this old, dusty abandoned house that I'm stuck in at night feeling claustrophobic. I can read that symbolism: maybe I've retreated inside myself. And if I'm honest, this has been going on far longer--maybe for months. Maybe it's been progressing gradually ever since last September. I wonder if this is anything like what it felt like when I retreated into myself at ages 2-3? That then was kind of a post-traumatic thing, and I stopped talking and wandered around sucking my fingers for like a year. It's weird to think about that.
Or I wonder if what's going on right now is just Depression saying, "Hello again! It's been a while, did you miss me?" Well I really hope not, I do not want to relive Junior year of high school.
Never mind about the past, I'm really sick of talking about things that are already over.
I'm tired. More later.
**Note to self: discuss spider on ceiling thing**
