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OOOOOh and I realize
WHOOOo I couldn't live without
I'm worried about my doggie she is weak and her eyes are cloudy and she looks unhappy and she has had a lump on her chest for four months now (but it's stayed the same size) and I need to take her to the vet but i DONT HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY and meanwhile she could be suffering and getting sicker and my grandparents can't help out because they are broke because they let their daughter and son in law get them in a gigantic financial mess and i'm worried about Jasmine. i love her so much.
Tonight i'm supposed to be going to aunt g.'s house to babysit her and the dogs but i don't want to because everytime i go over there nothing happens and i sit around in an explosion of clutter and mice watching digital cable and hating tv hating the city hating american culture worrying about my life that i'm not doing anything about and getting pissed/worried at aunt g. because she's either getting alzheimer's or i don't know what but shes loopy and she takes too many painkillers.
sigh. last couple days i've been reading about what it's like to be a bush pilot. maybe i'll do that for a career. so far ideas for life career have been: sustainable homebuilding/design, massage therapy, bush pilot.
but what i'm doing right now is avoiding the immediate future, avoiding doing what really needs to be done now, asap. i don't know why i'm doing it. self-sabotage. avoidance. social anxiety. laziness.
get job for now, job for summer.
get ss card, passport.
get loan forms filled out and turned in.
pay loan.
I'll need to shut off my internet tomorrow. aol is like paying a an arm and a leg for a hard little turd of internet. i only got aol in the first place because i was too lazy/shy to do the damn research and find a good, cheap provider.
there are really good summer jobs out there right now working for the forest service. i could totally get a job. there's breitenbush. there's backcountry trails. all are taking applications right teh fuck now.
this morning i finished a crochet'd scarf, the first woven thing i've made just for myself. i used the biggest crochet hook in the world, it's like 2 cm in diameter. i used mostly this lion brand homespun lavender-tinted rainbow yarn, with strips of red satin and turquoise t-shirt cut from some of my old clothes woven in. it's rich and drapey and kinda hippy-ish.
i wonder where my pup wandered off to. she's usually so curious when i let her into my room. oh--i hope she hasn't found something to chew on. let's find out. nope. poor babe's just curled in on herself, sleeping. something's wrong, i know it. i wish money wasn't an issue.
*bitterly sings The Money Song from Cabaret*
WHOOOo I couldn't live without
I'm worried about my doggie she is weak and her eyes are cloudy and she looks unhappy and she has had a lump on her chest for four months now (but it's stayed the same size) and I need to take her to the vet but i DONT HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY and meanwhile she could be suffering and getting sicker and my grandparents can't help out because they are broke because they let their daughter and son in law get them in a gigantic financial mess and i'm worried about Jasmine. i love her so much.
Tonight i'm supposed to be going to aunt g.'s house to babysit her and the dogs but i don't want to because everytime i go over there nothing happens and i sit around in an explosion of clutter and mice watching digital cable and hating tv hating the city hating american culture worrying about my life that i'm not doing anything about and getting pissed/worried at aunt g. because she's either getting alzheimer's or i don't know what but shes loopy and she takes too many painkillers.
sigh. last couple days i've been reading about what it's like to be a bush pilot. maybe i'll do that for a career. so far ideas for life career have been: sustainable homebuilding/design, massage therapy, bush pilot.
but what i'm doing right now is avoiding the immediate future, avoiding doing what really needs to be done now, asap. i don't know why i'm doing it. self-sabotage. avoidance. social anxiety. laziness.
get job for now, job for summer.
get ss card, passport.
get loan forms filled out and turned in.
pay loan.
I'll need to shut off my internet tomorrow. aol is like paying a an arm and a leg for a hard little turd of internet. i only got aol in the first place because i was too lazy/shy to do the damn research and find a good, cheap provider.
there are really good summer jobs out there right now working for the forest service. i could totally get a job. there's breitenbush. there's backcountry trails. all are taking applications right teh fuck now.
this morning i finished a crochet'd scarf, the first woven thing i've made just for myself. i used the biggest crochet hook in the world, it's like 2 cm in diameter. i used mostly this lion brand homespun lavender-tinted rainbow yarn, with strips of red satin and turquoise t-shirt cut from some of my old clothes woven in. it's rich and drapey and kinda hippy-ish.
i wonder where my pup wandered off to. she's usually so curious when i let her into my room. oh--i hope she hasn't found something to chew on. let's find out. nope. poor babe's just curled in on herself, sleeping. something's wrong, i know it. i wish money wasn't an issue.
*bitterly sings The Money Song from Cabaret*
