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Oct. 21st, 2004 01:35 amI will be glad when this week is over. Chris is mad about something and being moody. Suddenly I've got all this training to do, and I need my food handler's card by Monday. One of the girls has been a huge handful lately, especially picking fights with the other girls, and every time I have to single her out, she gets really upset. The classroom is a mess. I was going to rat my hair all big and psycho for the Halloween party on Friday but now with all the moodiness of coworkers I think I'd just feel self conscious.
I'm gonna need to e-mail my dad in the short future. I've held it off long enough and I just need to let him know where things stand. Mom said something really interesting and important last night: how to be truly at peace with yourself in your current life, you need to resolve all your issues of the past. To get your ducks all in a row, so to speak. Like, before I can move on, I've got to deal with the past and be *ready* to move on.
So, first step is to let Dad know where things stand.
Soon I will brainstorm a list of all the other things I need to deal with.
I want to meet some family from my dad's side. My aunt Pam, who's had a very adventurous life. Another aunt who has no children and lives on her own farm with horses in Northern Washington. Also, it appears I have quite a bit of family in Canada, in B.C., and I want to meet them. I have an aunt and uncle up there who own a motorcycle shop. A cousin my age who's a computer nerd.
The greataupair thing doesn't seem to be working out, and so I've got to have a look at my options, make a decision which direction I want to go, and commit to it.
Options:
-Figure out how to scrounge up enough money to go through an au pair agency that'd send me to Norway. It's the cheapest one I've come across that seems to still be pretty good. That'd be $300 for agency fees, then however much visas and airfare end up costing.
-Or contact my family in Canada. See what resources and info they have about jobs, a place I could live, etc.
-Or get ahold of my Alaska SP peeps. See what resources they can dig up. I think I have to do this anyway because it's part of dealing with the past.
-Or (this is one my counselor suggested) look in the yellow pages for AK, Montana, Washington, etc. and cold call about jobs.
-Or commit wholeheartedly to Americorps.
I've just started dealing with some stuff about my grandparents and the kind of environment I've grown up in and unhealthy coping strategies and the person I am today. I don't like to be bitter and act like the victim and blame all my problems on the people who raised me, mostly because I don't want to *feel* like a victim. And because of this, I've let a bunch of yucky things slip under my radar. Yeah, hello Aimee!, my life is harder because of how I grew up. Yeah, I have some things that I find majorly difficult--such as making friends, boyfriends, such as being confident and independent enough to just dropkick all this shit and just move out and go have a life of my own--difficulties that are a pretty direct result of the environment I grew up in. God dammit.
In my head I thought this entry would be thoughtful and expressive and well-organized, but it came out all jumbled.
The bottom line, as plainly as I can say it, is this: Grandma and Grandpa have controlled me all of my life and they are still controlling me now. I want to go off somewhere far away because deep, deep down inside of me, I know that the only way for me to be in control of my life is to leave this environment for good.
Anyway, I will be glad when this week is over.
I'm gonna need to e-mail my dad in the short future. I've held it off long enough and I just need to let him know where things stand. Mom said something really interesting and important last night: how to be truly at peace with yourself in your current life, you need to resolve all your issues of the past. To get your ducks all in a row, so to speak. Like, before I can move on, I've got to deal with the past and be *ready* to move on.
So, first step is to let Dad know where things stand.
Soon I will brainstorm a list of all the other things I need to deal with.
I want to meet some family from my dad's side. My aunt Pam, who's had a very adventurous life. Another aunt who has no children and lives on her own farm with horses in Northern Washington. Also, it appears I have quite a bit of family in Canada, in B.C., and I want to meet them. I have an aunt and uncle up there who own a motorcycle shop. A cousin my age who's a computer nerd.
The greataupair thing doesn't seem to be working out, and so I've got to have a look at my options, make a decision which direction I want to go, and commit to it.
Options:
-Figure out how to scrounge up enough money to go through an au pair agency that'd send me to Norway. It's the cheapest one I've come across that seems to still be pretty good. That'd be $300 for agency fees, then however much visas and airfare end up costing.
-Or contact my family in Canada. See what resources and info they have about jobs, a place I could live, etc.
-Or get ahold of my Alaska SP peeps. See what resources they can dig up. I think I have to do this anyway because it's part of dealing with the past.
-Or (this is one my counselor suggested) look in the yellow pages for AK, Montana, Washington, etc. and cold call about jobs.
-Or commit wholeheartedly to Americorps.
I've just started dealing with some stuff about my grandparents and the kind of environment I've grown up in and unhealthy coping strategies and the person I am today. I don't like to be bitter and act like the victim and blame all my problems on the people who raised me, mostly because I don't want to *feel* like a victim. And because of this, I've let a bunch of yucky things slip under my radar. Yeah, hello Aimee!, my life is harder because of how I grew up. Yeah, I have some things that I find majorly difficult--such as making friends, boyfriends, such as being confident and independent enough to just dropkick all this shit and just move out and go have a life of my own--difficulties that are a pretty direct result of the environment I grew up in. God dammit.
In my head I thought this entry would be thoughtful and expressive and well-organized, but it came out all jumbled.
The bottom line, as plainly as I can say it, is this: Grandma and Grandpa have controlled me all of my life and they are still controlling me now. I want to go off somewhere far away because deep, deep down inside of me, I know that the only way for me to be in control of my life is to leave this environment for good.
Anyway, I will be glad when this week is over.
