Grandpa

[atotalblamblam]

My grandpa just found out he has cancer. It's looking like it's terminal. It's a tumor that's several inches in size in his lung. He's smoked since he was 11. He already has emphysema, which means that operating isn't an option, because he wouldn't have enough healthy lung tissue left. I don't know why I'm telling all this. It sounds so clinical. I just felt compelled to go and write on my lj.

Grandpa is so, so strong. He's the grizzly bear. Quiet, peaceful grizzly bear. I love him so much and he's had such a hard life and he never complains. He's just strong. His last name is Steele, he couldn't have a more fitting name. He has such icy, blue eyes. But he's scared. My grandparents raised me since I was very little. They fought so hard to become my legal guardians. Grandpa gives me a free bus pass every month. Grandpa is the only one is this house who is working right now. My two aunts and I are all trying to find jobs, Grandma has been retired for a decade. Grandpa retired a long time ago, but then started working again because they needed the money. He's in so much pain all the time, whenever I get up during the night he's always sitting out in the living room, awake.

I've never had anyone I was close to die before. Dogs that I loved, but never people. It's hard to know how to act, and I don't want to cry because I don't want the focus on me, and Grandpa himself is so strong. I don't know what's going to happen to everybody, especially Grandma. They've been married for 40 years now and they seem to just grow closer as time goes by.

What would it feel like to know that you're going to die?

Comments

[rockstarhockey.livejournal.com]

bear

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

yep

[gramhamhamham.livejournal.com]

wow i'm sorry. thats got to be tough. we thought my dad was going to die when i was about 15, but a sugery saved him. your grandpa sounds way cool, you should do something sweet for him. my great grandpa died recently but it was cool cause we were writting letters back and forth just before then. well i hope you find a job soon and you find ways to balance your self through it all.

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hope I find a job and balance, too.

One good thing about this is that at least Grandpa knows ahead of time, so he can make any plans for after he dies, get things in order, tell each of us anything he wants. And we can show him how much we love him.

[randomfrog.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so sorry.

My grandpa died a year ago. He had a stroke - he and my grandma were so tough; they grew up poor in rural China and managed to send my dad to America for college; they were so reliable and so strong - and then poof, all that was gone. I guess, all I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. I know how it feels, a little bit.

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

Hey, you! Wow, your grandparents sound like heroes. There sure are some amazing, hard-working people in the world. Thanks for your comment.

[rantingranger.livejournal.com]

Cancer took my father, age 36, before my eighth birthday; his death initiated an onslaught of deaths in the family which finally tapered off by the onset of my adolescence. Some had more time to prepare than others, but each of them could see the end coming. It sounds like a cliché, but it has persisted for good reasons: make the most of the time you have left with your grandfather. The death of a close family member will bring you as close to comprehending eternity as you'll ever get. I'd give anything for one more day with my father, but I have no bad memories of him, only good.

... and in completely unrelated news, I noticed you had recently joined the Worldwide Park Rangers community, and I'd like to welcome you as personally as possible {|:P> In addition to the discussion of all things rangerly, I started the community with the hope that it would grow into just that - a community for lovers of life on this planet. I hope to step up my contributions soon, but don't wait for me - you can easily get caught up on past posts and jump right in with your own thoughts! I'll see you there.

[rantingranger.livejournal.com]

... oh, and we just miss sharing birthdays ... I showed up on 03 November 1980.

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

Hello, nice to meet ya! Thanks for the warm community welcome.

I don't even know how it's all gonna go down. I can't imagine what Grandpa is thinking about right now. I'm trying to show him love and appreciation every day.

That must have been really hard, losing your dad and other family members so young. I can't imagine.

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

P.S. I noticed your profile says you live in Arcata. I'm thinking about going to school there (for an eventual degree in Natural Resources Management or somesuch). Do you know anything about Humboldt State U. or the community college in Eureka? What's it like living in Arcata/Eureka?

[rantingranger.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know more than I ever wanted to know about HSU these days! I expect to graduate with a degree in Natural Resource Interpretation this May. I never liked school in the first place, and I've gotten über-sick of it since the Boy arrived, but I'd rather feel miserable about school at HSU than anywhere else.

The Humboldt name, whether referring to the school or the place, has global reputations for two things: marijuana and natural resources. The positive and negative aspects of those two things shape life here - you'll find Humboldt easy-going, accepting, arty, funky, with gorgeous vistas and virtually every form of outdoor recreation available everywhere; but you'll also find vagrants and obscene clearcuts impossible to avoid.

The university attracts diverse students, faculty, speakers and entertainers, providing a richer cultural (and culinary) scene than one might expect in such a remote location. But away from the university, Humboldt County has all the good and bad that come along with a rural western setting: a lack of crowding, traffic and pollution, an abundance of boom-and-bust extractive industries, minimum-wage service jobs, and unemployment.

HSU has great faculty in the life sciences, earth sciences, wildlife/fisheries and natural resources - I don't think any school offers as good a program in interpretation, and I've never heard any complaints about the instruction at College of the Redwoods, either (they even have dorms). The administrations at both institutions have continually tightened their belts the whole time I've lived here, and I start to wonder how much more the schools can take.

I apologize for sounding so ambivalent about Humboldt, but I feel pretty ambivalent toward the place - I enjoy my outdoor life, but the place holds so little opportunity for me and my family that I feel that we couldn't stay even if we completely loved it here. I've made great friends who intend to stay, and I will happily visit, as "my" park has earned a special place in my heart.

Okay, it took me hours to write this between watching the Boy, fixing and eating dinner, and other distractions, so sorry if I've rambled ... feel free to ask about other Humboldt stuff here or in the community (if career-related).

[rantingranger.livejournal.com]

Oh, and in reviewing some of your friends-only posts, I noticed that, like me, you tend to avoid driving. For a rural area, Humboldt County has decent bus systems; within Arcata, students ride free, and the county runs bus lines fairly regularly between College of the Redwoods (south of Eureka) and McKinleyville (north of Arcata). Many people choose to bike, but it sure feels good to step onto a warm bus when it rains for weeks on end!

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate all the info about Humboldt! It's good to hear about it from a student who actually goes there.