Grandpa

[atotalblamblam]

My grandpa just found out he has cancer. It's looking like it's terminal. It's a tumor that's several inches in size in his lung. He's smoked since he was 11. He already has emphysema, which means that operating isn't an option, because he wouldn't have enough healthy lung tissue left. I don't know why I'm telling all this. It sounds so clinical. I just felt compelled to go and write on my lj.

Grandpa is so, so strong. He's the grizzly bear. Quiet, peaceful grizzly bear. I love him so much and he's had such a hard life and he never complains. He's just strong. His last name is Steele, he couldn't have a more fitting name. He has such icy, blue eyes. But he's scared. My grandparents raised me since I was very little. They fought so hard to become my legal guardians. Grandpa gives me a free bus pass every month. Grandpa is the only one is this house who is working right now. My two aunts and I are all trying to find jobs, Grandma has been retired for a decade. Grandpa retired a long time ago, but then started working again because they needed the money. He's in so much pain all the time, whenever I get up during the night he's always sitting out in the living room, awake.

I've never had anyone I was close to die before. Dogs that I loved, but never people. It's hard to know how to act, and I don't want to cry because I don't want the focus on me, and Grandpa himself is so strong. I don't know what's going to happen to everybody, especially Grandma. They've been married for 40 years now and they seem to just grow closer as time goes by.

What would it feel like to know that you're going to die?

Comments

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

P.S. I noticed your profile says you live in Arcata. I'm thinking about going to school there (for an eventual degree in Natural Resources Management or somesuch). Do you know anything about Humboldt State U. or the community college in Eureka? What's it like living in Arcata/Eureka?

[rantingranger.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know more than I ever wanted to know about HSU these days! I expect to graduate with a degree in Natural Resource Interpretation this May. I never liked school in the first place, and I've gotten über-sick of it since the Boy arrived, but I'd rather feel miserable about school at HSU than anywhere else.

The Humboldt name, whether referring to the school or the place, has global reputations for two things: marijuana and natural resources. The positive and negative aspects of those two things shape life here - you'll find Humboldt easy-going, accepting, arty, funky, with gorgeous vistas and virtually every form of outdoor recreation available everywhere; but you'll also find vagrants and obscene clearcuts impossible to avoid.

The university attracts diverse students, faculty, speakers and entertainers, providing a richer cultural (and culinary) scene than one might expect in such a remote location. But away from the university, Humboldt County has all the good and bad that come along with a rural western setting: a lack of crowding, traffic and pollution, an abundance of boom-and-bust extractive industries, minimum-wage service jobs, and unemployment.

HSU has great faculty in the life sciences, earth sciences, wildlife/fisheries and natural resources - I don't think any school offers as good a program in interpretation, and I've never heard any complaints about the instruction at College of the Redwoods, either (they even have dorms). The administrations at both institutions have continually tightened their belts the whole time I've lived here, and I start to wonder how much more the schools can take.

I apologize for sounding so ambivalent about Humboldt, but I feel pretty ambivalent toward the place - I enjoy my outdoor life, but the place holds so little opportunity for me and my family that I feel that we couldn't stay even if we completely loved it here. I've made great friends who intend to stay, and I will happily visit, as "my" park has earned a special place in my heart.

Okay, it took me hours to write this between watching the Boy, fixing and eating dinner, and other distractions, so sorry if I've rambled ... feel free to ask about other Humboldt stuff here or in the community (if career-related).

[rantingranger.livejournal.com]

Oh, and in reviewing some of your friends-only posts, I noticed that, like me, you tend to avoid driving. For a rural area, Humboldt County has decent bus systems; within Arcata, students ride free, and the county runs bus lines fairly regularly between College of the Redwoods (south of Eureka) and McKinleyville (north of Arcata). Many people choose to bike, but it sure feels good to step onto a warm bus when it rains for weeks on end!

[atotalblamblam.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate all the info about Humboldt! It's good to hear about it from a student who actually goes there.